starting line

this afternoon i moved to my temporary shelter.  a nice one bedroom affair in the middle of nowhere.
it has a bed big enough for two, a little sala with a huge tee vee and a comfortable two-sitter beige sofa, a coffee table with a glass top, a tiny kitchen with a washing machine slash dryer, fridge and a dining table. it has racks and racks of plates, glasses, cups and cooking utensils.

the bathroom is nice too. quite small but there is a bit of a space to move around.

since i don't cook and hate eating inside the flat, i am using the dining table as a desk for my laptop where i am  writing this post.

scary, but i am starting my life anew. in hong kong.
a personal crisis interrupted my working life in hong kong for a year and i spent the past few months trying to heal myself, be closer to my mother, nephews and nieces and my youngest sister b.
it was a decision i would never have made if i were younger. in my 20s and 30s, it was all about work (as a journalist) and the fun that followed afterwards - playing cards with other reporters at the central bank press room, getting drunk with bffs in malate, sometimes stalking government officials and the imf representatives late at night outside of the monetary board room to get a scoop, trying new restaurants with sosi friends in greenbelt, the fort, quezon city and elsewhere.
other times, it would be getting out of town when manille felt like it was choking me up and squeezing all my energery. nothing fancy though, just the usual vacation spots for luvly people - bohol, cebu, baguio, boracay, tacloban, catbalogan, singapore, hong kong, tokyo, milan, new york, paris, chos!
or if i don't have cash, i would just go to the nearest spa in greenbelt and presto, i was refreshed. ready to face the hectic world once more and all the cruel boys who broke my heart and bank account. ching!

but this time, i hope it would be different.
i am trying to re-invent a lot of things - i will start with being a little bit braver. i will stop being afraid. or scared. or paranoid. or undecided. or immature. or being sad. i will try to smile more from inside.
i will be mature, for once. i am turning forty three in the next few days, for f's sake.
i can't afford to throw away years of hardships just because.
so i am trying to find my center.
a little inspiration would be good.
i want to turn spiritual (not religious, mind you) and treat everything i do as a commune with nature, with the spirits, with the fairies, the angels and to the gods out it jesus, mary, buddha, the beatles, haruki murakami..
the point is, i need to believe in something greater than anything else in this world.
otherwise, i might go crazy again..hahahaha..
i also need a prayer.
i had one last weekend, at a chinese temple, of all places. i was hoping it would be in baclaran church or in quiapo. but i found myself kneeling inside a temple in stanley and praying. i was hoping the gods there would understand my visayan-accented english. if not...well, it's not too late to learn chinese.
it would be luvly.
to be able to read, write and speak chinese. imagine all those beautiful stories, culture and literature that i could devour. imagine all the cute guys that i could have intelligent conversations with - not just wei?! and then silence.
so here i am, staring at my empty temporary flat. my sixth for this year. i felt like a nomad, actually, moving from one place to another, living in my suitcase.
it's so quiet, except for the humming of the computer keys (is that how you call these letters on the keyboard?) as i typed this one.
i am not thinking clearly, i just write what ever comes into my mind. so if you are bored with this, feel free to close and find a more interesting read on the net, like a porno site. that's what i do in between reading the new york times, vanity fair, vogue, bloomberg and cnn. i look for sexy sites to rest my mind. what can i say, i am a visual person.  or as my favourite model/actress once said: i am a vision peson, i have to see it before i believe in it. nice!
i did not unpack. i will move again in 30 days. so what's the point.
i haven't even decided yet where to live next. my old place in mid-levels? sheung wan? wan chai to be near the office? north point? or as my friend has suggested, cornhill at tai koo.
but i am not in a hurry.
i will weigh things carefully like what a mature, forty three year old person would do.
my sister asked me today - how's christmas? is it cold? (meaning, do i have someone to make it warm?)
this made me think: what is wrong with being alone? why do people always equate being alone with being sad, depressed or anti-social.
i am not offended, by the way, if people ask me why i am always alone.
god knows i have gotten used to it.
in restaurants, bars, hotels, boats, airports, planes.
are you alone (and all its connotations)?
then a friend also said today that his christmas wish for me was to find someone that i would be happy with. gosh. while i luv this wish, i really don't need it. no, i am not bitter ocampo. nor am i being defensive. this is just who i am. the goddess who hunts alone..hahaha.
yes, i am. alone. and i am fine with it.
i luv being alone. this way, i don't need to worry about someone else. i am a big worrier, mind you. i am so paranoid. this way, i don't have to cater to someone else's whims, someone else's moods, someone else's whatever. i am too independent to do these. things.
in other words, if i want to do something (minor or major), i can do it anytime without asking for someone's permission. don't you just luv the freedom that goes with it?
oh i am not a hypocrite.
there are nights, especially cold, rainy ones, when it's tough being by myself.
but these are few and in between, so to speak. what does this cliche even mean? can someone explain?
tomorrow is christmas. not my favourite holiday. i enjoy summer and the holy week. i have so much sad memories during christmas. i feel like dying every time i hear those christmas carols.
so i think i should just move to a place where christmas is unheard of. uranus? why the hell not?!
i am looking forward to the new year though.
2012 = 43.
how does it feel to be an adult? to be middle-aged? to act sensible, calm and relaxed?
can i ever be an adult? middle-aged?
at my new office, i am one of the oldest. gosh! afraid!
i think the average age in the office rose when i joined them.
i hope those kids won't expect too much from me.
i don't want to disappoint them. hahahaha.
so where is this going?
i don't know.
frankly, this post sucks.
and i need to go. out.
(i can hear children laughing at the hallway, merrily playing with their new toys for christmas. they are speaking in chinese.)
a friend has been calling me.
i have to be at his christmas dinner and meet new friends. in lkf.
i had a few friends, by the way, before i left hong kong a year ago.
but most of them are gone for the holidays (in manille or elsewhere).
one is already in beijing. another one is in los angeles partying with the winged creatures of the dark. tomorrow, i have a christmas lunch with new friends as well. i need to bring a gift too. gosh, what could i buy with HK10 budget? a pen?
then for the rest of the week, i will be meeting old friends from my old life for some lunch, dinner, coffee or a round of stellas and cheap reds. at soho or else where. it doesn't matter.
what matters most is to be with people that i have missed.


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