the bearable lightness of having just the basics

life is simple. really. i don't know why i made it so complicated in my younger years.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

there is this scene in my favourite movie about my generation -- reality bites -- where the depressed waif winona ryder, who can't find a job that she is passionate about and suits her qualifications as a class valedictorian, went walking with the poster boy for the slacker and romantic generation ethan hawke to calm her nerves after she had a heated argument with her roommate, the brilliant janeane garofalo, about unpaid phone bills and rent.

then they stopped for a cigarette and cheap coffee. while exchanging smokes, ethan said something like -- this is all you need in life. a cigarette, a coffee, a good conversation and a friend to cry on.

when i first watched this movie decades ago (mid-ninetys), i was young then (fresh graduate) and still burning with ambition (yes i had that phase and i am not ashamed of it. i learned a lot.), i just couldn't relate to ethan's character.

at that time, i thought, here you (ethan hawke, not me) are, so gorgeous, a talented musician, obviously intelligent, but you have no ambition in life. you are just wasting your god-given talents, young man, sleeping around, getting drunk and stoned, reading philosophy. get out of your comfort zone and kick some asses. life is short!

&&&&&&&&&

fast forward to two thousand and fourteen. here i am. in a reverse twist of fate (or a joke from the one above). jobless. nearly bankrupt and living on the generosity of a very few dear friends. (with emphasis on very few and dear. hahaha!)

but i never felt so free. so liberated.

having less is indeed a bliss.

please don't give me that look, bitch! i am not justifying my seemingly lousy luck in getting a job that i am really passionate about, one that i will be willing to die for and to kill just to get it done. haha!

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before this, i led a very stressful life. for years. i earned an above industry pay. lived in a nice apartment that i can afford. still had enough cash to party every night with close friends, dine and wine in the sparklingly new restaurants and bars in town, buy what ever it was that i fancy. no chos this time.

compensating for the very stressful working environment, i ended up buying and accumulating things that i really didn't need (but i was so caught up in my little dramah that i wasn't even aware of it) -- lots of magazines, books, dvds, blue rays, cds, plates, lamps, etc. beautiful things that i thought would make me happy, complete, fulfilled.

but like drugs, once their hallucinogenic effects had subsided, i was back to my old, lonely, depressed, sad, and stressed life. facials, massages, one-night-stands, walks in the park, out-of-town trips just didn't do the trick.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

so a few years ago, i decided to make some adjustments. i quit that toxic but well-paying job (to everyone's surprise. it was the talk of the town at that time. chos!), gave away most of my things and flew to another place. at first, i went for a simpler life -- got a smaller apartment. opted not to shop. but i was still weak then. after a few months, i was back to my old self. i bought a huge flat screen teevee (the latest model), started buying dvds again, cds, books, magazines. in a few years, my apartment looked like a seven eleven, a furniture shop, a record and a book store in one, as one of my bestfriends in the former british colony used to tease me.

because i was a neat freak, i ended up spending most of my weekends and free time cleaning my flat, moving things around, wiping dusts off those dvds, books, cds. washing plates, glasses and other knick-knacks that i hardly used. changing curtains, bed sheets, pillows.

(you asked: why didn't you hire someone else to do the cleaning. simple, i don't trust anyone as far as cleaning is concerned. i'm not satisfied. i have to do it myself.)

then on mondays, i would feel so exhausted that i ended up easily annoyed.

i lived that kind of life for several years. until i thought i was near breaking point.

just like what i did when i left manille, i also decided to pack all my stuff and send them home. i only kept a few that i really need.

this is a cliche, but it's always true: those things ended up owning me instead of the other way around. instead of giving me joy, they became a burden to keep.

&&&&&&&&&&

now i travel light. not only physically, but in all aspects. i have forgiven those whom i thought or felt have wronged me in some ways. while we can't be friends, we can be civil. i have also gotten rid of people who just complicate my life, or worse, those who only pollute the universe with their negativity, unexplained anxieties, and overall bleak outlook on everything.

for a change, i want to be sunny, smiley and perky. (i know it's not going to be me. sigh.)

living with just the basics -- a bed, a few shirts, pants, shoes -- never felt so good.  i don't have teevee (my friend and landlady discouraged me from buying one. and she was right!), dvd and cd players, etc. but i don't miss anything.

instead of cleaning up unnecessary things and knick-knacks in the apartment (i still do a thorough cleaning of the place once a week by the way), i spent most of my time outside, walking along tree-lined parks and streets, breathing fresh air near the beach, waiting and then enjoying the sunset, attending film festivals, having coffee or beer with dear friends if i have extra money or if someone is generous enough to pick-up the bill without making me feel too small.

since i am on a shoe string budget, i avoided going to shopping malls that often (i used to go there like everyday, especially after work just to relax. or so i thought i would feel relaxed. instead, i felt the opposite) so i won't feel tempted to buy things that i don't really need.
welcome to the newly downsized me.

anyway, most of my clothes still fit me perfectly. haha.

&&&&&&&&&&&

just last night, for instance, i was with waifish friend who treated me for a beer at my favourite bayside restaurant and later on a massage.

nothing fancy and expensive, mind you. we talked a lot: movies, books, people, suicide, issues (emotional, sexual, physical, spiritual, national, political. name it, we touched upon it). we haven't bonded for a long, long time since we were both busy with our separate lives. it was nice to finally catch up with her without the annoyance of a deadline (oh she has one but she is cool about it), or of thinking about how to wake up early the next day to make it to the office on time.

yes, the downside is i don't have enough money to spare. but that's alright. as long as i have generous friends that i can abuse from time to time, then life goes on. life is simple.

^^^^^^^^^^^^^

ethan hawke is really right: a coffee, a beer, a cigarette, a great company and a good conversation is all you need in life. 

oh and i may add a breathtaking view of the sea at night (and an occasional cute guy to tease and then inspire won't hurt either)!

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that's all fairies, lovelies, princesses, witches, bitches, queens and wannabes.

&&&&&&&

song for the day: life in mono

note: photo above of ethan hawke and winona ryder was taken from the internet. no copyright infringement intended. please inform me if you want it taken off. thank you.