second coming (of age)

 (that's me and my gorgeous mother. she isn't perfect, but she luvs me -- i hope -- and i luv her. dearly.)

and so we march on. with heads up, heavy, weary, wary heart. but still in fighting form. that's what i learned from my forty three year stay in a forgotten country.
this is my second coming of age journey, if ever there is one.
i am a child. at heart. i never want to grow up. i have a peter pan complex and luv it.
my face no longer shows it - so many lines on the forehead and below the eyes, tired, droopy, have seen them all eyes. even my once lush, black hair is slowly receding, with the few black ones turning to grey. gone are the high cheekbones too, the innocent stares, the unknowing, nervous smiles.
time is kinder to nature - the trees, the stones. a tree blossoms as it ages. a stone becomes more adept at surviving anywhere - land, sea even air.
but us humans? we shrink, we wrinkle, we become more fearful as we grow older. we become more stupid as we learn more, as we experience more. then we die. and rot.

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but i don't want to let go of the innocence, the naivete, the capacity to appreciate simple joys in life. a leisurely walk on the beach on a rainy afternoon. reading a favourite book at a favourite cafe. sitting still while the world gets crazy around me. staring at young gorgeous guys parading in their best weekend outfits as though the world is an endless red carpet. watching a baby smile while safely tucked in her mother's arms, happy and comforted by the thought that she is luved.

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a dear old friend told me two nights ago to stop living in the past. to stop looking back at our happy days at the cpa (that's certified public accountant for you) review school in manila. but those days were fun despite the pressures of passing the board exam. i always treasure those simple days when all we can afford to buy were ledgers, accounting books, calculators and a simple meal at the cafeteria.
he used to be my crush, this friend. he was the cutest boy i think in our batch of reviewees.
well he has the right to say so. he is quite happy now, married and fulfilled as a cpa-lawyer.

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most of my peers are now stable, contended. they have found their places in the sun. and i luv them for achieving what they have been dreaming of when we were young. a pretty postcard perfect house in the suburb, a family car, enough money in the bank, beautiful kids studying at prestigious schools, a loving wife or a husband or a partner.
sometimes i envy them. but sometimes i don't.
lyk everything else in this world, there are always two sides of every coin, of every face. a smiling one and a sad one.
i always choose the happy one (at least since i turned forty three). but try as i might, i always feel sad.
sad at the overwhelming poverty around us. how can somebody still die of hunger or of tb when the world has advanced so much, when wealth has grown a lot?
i still feel bad when i lust after a very expensive shoes knowing that it can already feed a family of a  dozen for a week or two.
i feel horrified at the thought that the wealthiest one percent consumes nearly eighty percent of the world's resources. no wonder mother earth is mad. no wonder the gods are angry.
but why destroy the innocents? why don't they just punish the culprits, the corrupt, the greedy, the egomaniacal few?
such is the paradox.
and in my child's mind, i can never understand them.

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so i am in a new journey. mistake not. i still don't know what i want. i have always been guided by what i don't want. and so far, it has taken me to places i never once imagined i could reach. no, i am not talking about the cosmopolitan city littered with expensive shops and peopled by the fab and glam ones dressed in the latest and most expensive costumes. those are soulless, empty places, devoid of warmth. the people too are not humans, mere robots, surviving for the sake of it.
i am speaking metaphorically here. as if.
at forty three, here is what i don't want.

at home:
- noisy kids and people.
- quarreling about money. money. and more money.
- obsessing about stuff - latest, expensive gadgets, cars, etc.
- a nagging, messy partner.
- pets.
- plastic plants and flowers.
- awful curtains and furniture wrapped in plastic.
- clutter. dirt. dust. filth. foul smell.
- car, expensive gadgets, anything that shows an ostentatious lifestyle.

(i want it simple. simple and simple. basic. but with a luvly luvly garden where i can read and rest.)

at work:
- arrogant, ego maniacal, obnoxious and know it all co-workers.
- tyrant bosses. "this is not a democracy. i am the boss here. do what i want." please. that's so 1500 bc. grow up and move on.
- long long hours.
- spending weekends at the office to finish something. big hate.
- noisy, chatty, gossipy seat mates. lyk all the time. get back to work.
- foul smell. body odor, fart, food, feet. ekkk.
- slow internet.
- old machines that no longer work.

at play:
- feeling rich and beautiful people. always pretending they are celebrities. duh!
- noisy. loud.  pretentious.
- sense of entitlement. "i'm young, rich and fabulous, i can do what ever i want in public. who cares?" go back to the cave, idiot!
-  a date who keeps checking phones. answering calls or text messages. all the time. am i not enough?
-  ugly people, but unaware that they are ugly.

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if there's one thing that i really really want in this life, it's this: freedom.
they say it comes with a price, and they are right. i am paying for it, right now.
so that makes me, what, unfree? shackled?
i don't know. i don't want to think or talk about it.
it's too complicated for my simple brain to process.
i might get brain bleed. chos!!!!

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that's a handful right? too idealistic perhaps?
i don't know. but that's my wish list for my new journey.
if the three wise men have the star to guide them to bethlehem, this list is my guide to nirvana or utopia.
hell, a child can dream. can't i?

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