a pauper for luv

he was holding his cigarette the way  you do: safely clipped between the thumb, the middle and index fingers. as if scared that a strong wind might blow it away from you; or some stranger from out of nowhere might snatch it from you.
i guess you were lyk that on everything that  you thought you owned. you wanted them secured, fastened close to you. i used to wonder what made you behave that way. so insecure, so afraid that sumeone you luv might leave you or be taken away from you.
it took me years to understand it. to understand you.
but i am digressing.
let me go back to my story.

&&&&&
he was a stranger. a nameless guy with movie star looks. i don't know why i have always been drawn to guys that reminded me of you -- smooth, creamy white skin, neatly combed short black hair, sad dark brown eyes, long, lean limbs, a confident but elusive smile and soft, dreamy voice.
see? my thoughts were straying back to you.
why have you always doubted it? there was only you. it was all about you.
and yet.
unlyk in my previous conquests, i was the one who approached him. maybe it was the fact that he was alone and looked lyk he needed company. sumone who will assure him that, what ever happens, lyf is still worth living for. or maybe i just saw a glimpse of you (and of myself) in him. a stranger. an outsider. a lone wolf. lonely but too proud to admit it.
he did not say anything when i asked him if i could join him. he just signaled with his hand for me to sit down on the empty chair right across from him.
i sat with my legs crossed. my hands resting on the small table.
"can i buy you a drink?" i asked.
he nodded his head. still clammy.  still unfriendly.
i called the waiter by flicking a lighter.
"you want the same beer?"
he nodded again.
i smiled. there is a chance. perhaps.
"two san miguel please."
when the waiter left, i tried to start a conversation.
"i am here on a holiday. what about you?"
he took a deep breath. as if annoyed.
"i live here."
i nodded my head.
"please tell me if you want me to leave. no offense taken."
he smiled. at last. embarrassed.
"no, stay. please."
"oh stop it. if you are just being polite, then i would rather leave."
"please. stay."
as if on cue, the waiter arrived with our frozen bottles of beer, covered with tissue paper. wet.
we talked. a little about each other. the usual chatter among strangers. ok, let me correct that. i did most of the talking. i asked him questions. he would give me brief answers. at first they were short, polite answers as if he was in a job interview.
later on, as we emptied more beers, he started to open up. started talking about himself, about everything else, in fact. he  wanted to be a writer. a poet. he works in an online magazine reviewing restaurants, bars, shops, resorts, hotels, anything that would interest its mostly bored, rich housewives readers. but there was something else he wanted to tell me, i could feel it.
lyk most conquests, we ended up in bed.
he was good. hesitant at first. but once he got into the beat, into the rhythm, he gave in. he indulged. he was a good dancer. his moves were amazing.

&&&&&
later, much later.
"it was my first time." he was seated in bed, smoking cigarette. straight out of a movie. cigarettes after sex. i was lying in bed, my hand stroking the tiny hairs on his legs.
he was naked, but unlyk you, he did not cover himself with a towel or a blanket. i lyk his body. trim, but not gym toned. ordinary, lyk mine. a hint of beer belly. hairs on his chest down to his navel.
"you were a virgin?"
i reached for his cigarette. we shared his fag.
"no. i had sex before. but only with women."
i laughed. i heard that line so many times, it seemed lyk all the boys i have slept with had read the same book or learned from the same teacher.
he seemed embarrassed. "it's true."
"ok."
"you don't believe me?"
'i do. so why?"
"why what?"
"why did you sleep with me?"
"you seemed lonely."
i laughed again.
"i thought you were lonely too.. that's why i approached you. you seemed so distant, so not there. your thoughts were so far away. you looked so sad."
"i just broke up with my girlfriend."
"sorry. what happened?"
"she left to work in canada. she wanted me to cum with her. but my lyf is here. my family is here. i lyk it here. i lyk my job."
"but you can always see each other. talk to each other. on the phone, skype. there is facebook."
"i want her here with me. beside me. always."
i kept quiet. he was so you. even the way he said those words. with so much conviction. with so much emotion. he meant every word.
"you realize though that that's not possible. you can't be together all the time."
"i know that. but for her to live in one city and just leave me here. it hurts."
"i thought she wanted you to go with her."
"yes, but.."
"what?"
"never mind. you won't understand."
oh i understand it more than you would ever know.
"i have been in the same situation too."
he put off the cigarette on the ash tray on the corner table beside a small porcelain lamp.
"really?"
"yes. my so called boyfriend wanted to work in another country. he wanted me to join him. but i stayed behind."
he nodded his head and laid right beside me.
then he started kissing me again.
"no more sad stories, please." he whispered.
i could feel him hard again. hungry.
we fed each other. shared each other's misery. because  that's all we have left.

&&&&&

i would see him again days after that. he took me to some interesting touristy places in the city. we had dinners. we got drunk. we had sex.
until i left and went back home.
he promised to call. i promised to call.
we never did. i never did.
not even a polite "hello. how are you?" text or email.
i guess, we were both scared. to fall in luv.
i don't want to be left behind again, holding on to an empty promise. that's what he said on our last nyt together when i told him i was starting to lyk him. a lot. but he shushhhhed me. lyk a mother to a petulant child.

&&&&&

what makes us scared to luv? why are we so afraid of getting hurt? pain, they say, makes us stronger. but they forgot to mention that it would also make you want to kill yourself first.
why do we always aim for that happy ending in our own luv stories? when we know that it only happens in movies or in fairy tales.
even snow white did not live happily ever after. she ended up very old, alone and miserable after her prince turned into a frog and was eaten alive by the red riding hood.

&&&&&&

remember when we watched the way we were on dvd? you cried. you were so sad that katie and hubbell did not end up together. that they separated after facing troubles in their marriage.
you were mad at the director. you thought he ruined what could have been a very beautiful luv story.
"but that makes it even better," i told you.
"that they did not stay married and grow old together? work on their issues instead of just giving up on each other?"
"yes.  sum people are better off as luvers than as husband and wife."
"you are so cynical."
"i am realistic."
"so you would just give up the one you luv simply because you are going through a rough period?"
"correction. irreconcilable differences. katie fell in luv with a dream. romantic enough to marry him. then woke up with a totally different person the morning after. she should have just let him go after the nyt that they slept together."
"you are impossible."
i smiled. i knew then that i won the moment you said that.
that has always been your line every time you lose on our little arguments. "you are impossible" as if i were a mathematical equation or a crime mystery that would need a genius to figure out.
maybe, just maybe if you took the tym to know the real me, you will find out that i wasn't so "impossible" at all. that i was just lyk you.
but who are you by the way?
we never really got to know each other.
after a few weeks of being together, we started arguing. we became cold and distant. maybe because we expected so much from each other. or maybe lyk katie, we pursued a dream, a fantasy of who we are and what our lyf would be together.
"happy endings happen only in movies," i said on our last nyt together. in bed. after a few glasses of wine. barbra streisand singing memories on the ipod.
you were crying. you didn't say anything.
then you blurted out, your eyes on the ceiling. wiping up your tears.
"but i luv you. let's give it another try."
"i luv  you too. but this is not working. this will never work. i hate long distance relationships. after a while we will drift apart. the abyss between us will be so great, nothing can bring us back together."
i let you cry.

&&&&

i was ryt. after a year in exile, i learned from your mother that you got married.

&&&&

was i sad? was i hurt? probably.
but i let it go. i let us go.
from tym to tym, i would hear stories about you. how many kids you have. that you were home on vacation. i wanted to see you. but i fought the urge to do so.
what we had was enough.

&&&&

funny. lyk in the barbra streisand-robert redford movie, we met again. but not in the busy streets of new york, but at the airport of all places. i was flying to tokyo for a conference. you were going back to london with your family. i met your wife - ordinary looking, not at all the woman i imagined you would end up with. motherly.  i always thought you preferred someone who looked like those tall, leggy fashion models. a stick with a gorgeous face, thick lips and lush hair. then your two young children -- a boy and a girl. you were a picture of a happy family.
"don't be a stranger. please keep in touch." you  said when i was about to go. "i am on facebook."
i simply nodded my head.
i let you go.
i don't have facebook.

&&&&&

so where is this going? you are probably wondering now.
nothing.
i just want to tell you that he is cuming to see me.
this weekend.
the guy who reminded me of you.
he was assigned to do a feature on one of the beaches here and he asked me if i could join him.
i said yes.
please don't let your hopes high. i am still "impossible".
but who knows?
fairy tales could still happen.
sumtimes it starts with a simple -- "can i buy you drink?"
a hello, after all, is such a cliche!