what i learned from watching teevee while growing up

of course i have stopped watching teevee more than a decade now. local teevee shows offer nothing but silly news, unbelievable opinions from brilliant broadcasters, deafening screams from excitable and articulate hosts who speak fluent english better than the queen, vapid soaps, crazy noontime shows that make fun of gays, ugly people, housemaids and exploit children. what else?

what do young people get out of it these days? expressions like "bigyan ng jacket," or "basa-basa din pag may time," or the worse one, "yes naman oo." gosh!! so now we have a whole generation of kids whose ambition in life is to become a movie star, singer, talk show host or fashion model. then run for congress and the senate afterwards, when their showbiz careers are over.

with the advent of technology and cable teevee, people should be watching bbc (no cnn for me, please!), national geographics, bloomberg, cnbc, french movies, instead of local shows. but definitely not american idol, america's got talent and its permutations, big brother and other trashy reality shows. no hbo too and other channels showing crappy old hollywood blockbusters and other b movies.

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but let me digress a little and look back at those innocent days when internet was totally unheard of and communicating with  another person from any part of the earth through a small gadget that also takes a photo is considered a fantasy. i mean, can you imagine being able to hear and see the person from as far away as united kingdom, for instance, when i was a child in the eighty's through a laptop or iphone? crazy? totally.

flashback.......(cue music -- those were the days my friend, we thought would never end...)

ah the things we learned as children from watching teevee, the so-called idiot box that could shape young, impressionable minds. 

while kids from more sophisticated neighborhoods (whose parents, including the yaya who says "set dawn" instead of "sit down", made it a point to talk to their children only in english) watched only sesame street, we fed on all kinds of shows, be it german moreno's sunday special extravaganza showcasing the belle star dancers in their mind-boggling costumes and choreography or the soap annaliza or the funny iskul bukol.

but the ones i really love and always looked forward to were the old filipino films shown every afternoon, usually around two p.m. right after we washed the dishes and cleaned the dining room/kitchen after lunch. this was supposed to be siesta time, when we were ordered to take a nap, but we managed somehow to spend it watching teevee.

anyway, here are the things that i learned from those misspent afternoons in front of the tiny box that showed black and white pictures. (a coloured teevee was totally unheard of those days. chos!)

from commercials:

* you will grow taller, healthier and stronger if you drink milk everyday (from nino muhlach's milk maid commercials. unfortunately, nino didn't grow at all.). luckily, i am taller than nino now.

* you can make soap from a dry leaf by pouring a generous amount of olive oil into it (the old palmolive soap commercial). i've done this several times when i was a kid, and always ended up frustrated because the dry leaf stayed the same after i poured a whole bottle of olive oil on it.

* just by brushing your teeth before bumping into your crush will make him fall in love with you, especially if your teeth gleamed like pearls. (close up commercial). i tried this too, in high school, but my crush just thought i was high on drugs.

from watching filipino movies:

* rich people always look like they have just stepped out of the beauty parlour or saloon (bambi fuentes and jun encarnacion isdatu?) and wear really nice and expensive clothes, bags and shoes even if they are just at home, reading kislap magazine in the living room, or entertaining guests in their condescending tone. 

* rich people always serve juice when there are guests in their homes. usually this is served by maids in starched white uniforms. (true only for the wannabes.)

* poor people live in small, crowded shanties in squatters' areas, where criminal elements abound.

* rich people treat poor people very badly. they make their lives miserable by, among others, taking away their land, and killing them if they fight back.

* poor people are not allowed to fall in love and marry rich people. but in the end, love conquers all and the lovers will live happily ever after despite their different backgrounds. this is the reason why i am so fond of the ers (workers, sweepers, waiters, seafarers) because i want to debunk this myth. double chos!

* poor people are god-fearing, have good hearts, helpful and cheerful despite their miserable surroundings and living conditions. while rich people are generally unhappy and not contented with their lives. most of them also steal money from the government or from other wealthy people just to be richer. they are also bound to play around, that is, get a mistress or a lover on the side to fight boredom. i mean, shopping, attending exclusive parties and fashion shows masquerading as "charitable" events, avoiding the paparazzis, and jetting around the world is like totally boring.

* poor people (mostly the lead actress who suffered in the hands of the wealthy villain) can become very, very rich and get back at their tormentors in the end by: 

a) becoming a movie star or singer (sharon cuneta made a killing out of this tired plot countless of times);  

b) marrying an old, dying rich man (or the so-called four m: matanda, mayaman at madaling mamatay) (vilma santos, alma moreno); 

c) becoming a prostitute catering to rich men only (alma moreno made an art on this one in a number of films like virginia p and the diary of cg for christina gaston); 

d) studying really hard and paying for her education by waiting tables, washing dirty clothes, etc (vilma again and sometimes dina bonnevie. in one of her movies, dina played a nursing student by day dressed in immaculate white uniform wearing almost no make up and a prostitute slash stripper at night, dressed in red or black bikinis and wearing a very thick make up. ah the irony!).

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more..........

* rich people usually fly to the united states when they want to forget about their problems at home. or when they want to forget about a lover who spurned them. as if!

* women who smoke and drink and studied overseas (usually in the united states) have no/loose morals. they steal husbands and become glamourous queridas. they have abortions. they sleep around.

* men who smoke and drink are real men. they are also playboys.

* when a woman is dizzy and vomits afterwards, she is pregnant. an older woman (a mother, grand mother, aunt, even an older sister) will know about this even if the pregnant woman has not told anybody yet about her condition. or she isn't even aware yet that she's pregnant.

the older woman will confront the poor pregnant girl. this is usually followed by slapping, shouting obscenities and vulgar words (sino ang ama ng dinadala mong iyan? sino? sino? malandi ka! malandi! walanghiya! hindi mo na binigyan ng kahihiyan ang pamilya natin!), a lot of crying and then the girl will be thrown out of the house for  shaming the family. afraid!

* when a drunk person drives a car, especially when he is shown driving fast or when the driving scene is taking longer than usual, he will surely have an accident. (so don't drink and drive!)

* before someone tries to kill another person, he will announce it first, even if it's obvious that he intends to kill him because his gun/knife/other weapon is already aimed at him (nakikita mo itong baril na nakatutok sa yong ulo, magdasal ka na dahil papatayin kita!). if it's the goon (contravida) who intends to kill, he will end up dead instead because the main actor (bida) will find a way to snatch the gun/knife from him.

* sometimes, before killing each other, the lead actor and the main antagonist will first engage in an angry debate, trade insults and even stage a balagtasan. this will give the main actor the chance to utter the title of the movie (hindi ka na sisikatan ng araw!) then bang! bang! bang!

* when a married woman plays around, she will end up dead, land in prison or become stricken with cancer or other horrible diseases. a punishment for her sins. for being a whore.

* when a married man fools around, the wife will forgive him in the end and they will live happily ever after. after all, the man can't help it. he is macho and virile.

* when somebody (usually the actress in a dramatic, award-winning role) wants to commit suicide, she will tell someone else first (if she is alone, then she will talk to the audience or to the invisible god) and will ask for forgiveness before doing it. (patawarin niyo po ako, diyos ko, pero hindi ko na po kaya ang mga pahirap at pasakit sa mundong ito. kayo na po ang bahala sa aking batugang asawa at mga walang kwentang anak! patawad! then tears will fall on either the left or right side of her eyes. if the director is aiming for an award and box office hit, she will shed crocodile tears.

* when a man realises that he is gay and his love is unrequited, he will likely kill himself. or when he is already gay at the start of the film, he will fall in love with a straight guy (a call boy, macho dancer, among other low lifers), who will reciprocate his affection in exchange for money. then he will commit the unthinkable, suicide, in the end because the lover left him for a woman.

* when people fight, especially women, they shout, slap each other, even the so-called rich and educated ones. this is where those memorable lines are spoken, the scenes that will likely be shown on the movie's teasers and trailers. (remember the cherrie gil classic: you are nothing but a second rate, trying hard, copy cat!)

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as i grow older, of course, i realised that most of these were not true. though in some cases, art imitates life (or is it the other way around?!).

but by the time i realised this, it's already too late. no wonder that my life is as colourful and full of dramah like those characters in primetime soap operas.

sadly, in real life, there is no director that will shout "cut!" so my antics and dramahs continue. triple chos!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

*****

by the way, most of today's movies about rich people look and sound so phony. you can tell that the writers, directors and the actors are not really from the bueno familia. their characters and dialogues are so cliche, you have seen or read them somewhere else, like in comics or old viva films movies. the ones who were really good in writing and directing movies about the very rich were danny zialcita (remember those funny, kilometric dialogues?), peque gallaga, don escudero, and jose javier reyes. but they had stopped making movies a long time ago.

that's all bitches, witches, fairies, princesses, queens and wannabes. have a great weekend.

note: photo above was taken from the internet. no copyright infringement intended. please inform me if you want it taken off. thank you.