is marriage the modern day catch twenty two?

“it is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.”
― friedrich nietzsche

"after years of living in the city i assumed that if my friends and i ever got our fairytale endings, that would be the end of the story. but real life always has a twist." - carrie bradshaw.

"is the perfect white wedding gown the new black mourning dress? - chineza del bianco vda de dubois. 

i know i am writing about something that i hardly ever know. my former editors would surely chide me for this. but i am willing to have my neck chopped and my head feed to the sharks for this post. as a conscientious blogger, i feel it's my duty to write about this subject regardless of my scant knowledge and how i personally feel about it.
(how's that for an introduction hah?)
marriage (and weddings) had been the topic that popped on most conversations i had with women friends in the past few days. it could be because most of us (them) are already in the marrying age - thirtysh. in fact, in the philippine setting where women and some men are expected to settle down in their twentys, thirty is already way beyond the marrying age.
also, december is usually the time when we, the singletons, are reminded about our status after attending all those reunions where we see our married siblings, cousins and friends and their mini mes hovering beside or under the buffet tables, messing with their food and tearing each other up.
december is also the month for weddings - maybe because the cold weather makes it ideal for honeymoons; or makes one long for someone to cuddle especially at night.

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well, in a country where women are expected to be married as early as in their twentys, single women are usually treated as if there's something wrong with them that's why they cannot find a husband. duh. (didn't it occur to their critics that maybe there are no men out there who are good enough for these women that's why they are still unattached, so to speak?)
it's not uncommon to hear relatives at reunions (weddings, baptism, funerals) warning a single woman in the family who is in her thirty's or even twenty's to hurry up and tie the knot "baka maging matandang dalaga ka", as if talking about the apocalypse or the end of the world.
my sister, who never married, used to get this query from relatives and friends: when are you getting married? it used to irritate her, but she had learned to live with it. as if to shut them up, she had a child minus the husband. now she gets a different question: where is your husband? hahahaha.
(well, it's my turn now to get this annoying question. that's why i avoided attending family gatherings. someone is always bound to ask me why i am still single at forty plus. i remember an aunt who was at my father's funeral who told me that i should get married because it gets lonelier as one gets older alone. this is the same aunt who used to run to my mother for advice, crying, because her husband is playing around with other women. i rest my case.)

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sorry for the temporary digression, and let me go back to my main topic. chos.
at a recent holiday party, a lady friend (g one) was telling me how she wanted so badly to get married, have a kid soon because she was getting older and her biological clock was ticking.  like every dreamy girl, she wants a church wedding, march on the aisle in her lacy, immaculately white gown while her prince charming, handsome in barong tagalog or a suit, waits for her in the altar like in a fairytale.
"that has always been my dream even when i was a young girl. getting married in a white beautiful gown like cinderella," she told me over glasses of red wines.
another woman friend (g two) said that while she also dreamed of donning a wedding dress just like every girl she knows, she wasn't really that eager to get married. she said she would rather live with the love of her life without the legal document that will bind them together. for eternity.
first, because she thought the security offered by marriage will only make the couple less likely to work harder to adhere to their wedding vows because whatever one does, they are already married and in the philippine setting, it's equivalent to a death sentence. double chos. because divorce is not allowed in the philippines, it will be difficult to get out of the marriage trap.
second, she thought that getting married in a country without divorce is unfair to the woman. a man can always play around and this patriarchal society won't mind given "our macho culture." her words, not mine. but if it's the wife who gets a lover, the same society that condones the philandering husband will quickly condemn her, even put her to jail for adultery.

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marriage laws in the philippines, she pointed out, are unfair to women. when the husband sleeps with another woman, he can't be sued for concubinage unless they live together under one roof. but the wife can be sued for adultery simply by having sex with another man.
"i want us to stay together, stay faithful to each other not because we are married but because we love and respect each other, our family," she said. "i want our union to be like angelina jolie and brad pitt."
she also noted with resignation that given the pressures of the fast changing society, it's getting more and more difficult to keep the marriage intact. "so why make it harder for the couple to split up? i want to try a new paradigm. i want the wedding ceremony but not the marriage contract."
on the other hand, g one wanted it all: marriage, children, a legal document that will bind them together for eternity.

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i wish them both the best of luck. sincerely.

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personally, i don't believe in marriage. i am not saying this because i am gay and in the philippines and in asia, i cannot get married. but even if i were straight and can therefore marry, i won't. i am probably one of the few ones (along with g two) who does not believe in marriage. but unlike g two, i have different reasons.
first, i think it's against our nature to settle for just one sexual partner for life. we are sexual beings, our sexual appetites can easily be awakened, ignited, stoked or stroked by the most desirable being. why curtail it? marriage is definitely unfair to both sexes.
second, marriage usually entails having children. i don't want children. yes, they are adorable little creatures, they look like angels especially when they are sleeping or smiling and having fun. but once they start crying (especially at night when all you want is to get some sleep) or throwing tantrums while you are watching a movie or inside the church or gossiping with friends on facebook, then it becomes a different story. entirely - a tragedy with a dash of horror.
third, having a family is so expected on everyone by everybody and the rebel in me simply wants nothing to do with it.
fourth, given my flighty nature and yearning for freedom, i don't want to be shackled. i want to spread my wings and see the world. no chos this time.

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anyway, i have lots of friends who are single and fabulous. they have been like this even before sex and the city came about and made it alright, acceptable and even chic for ladies to stay single, have fun and be happy.
but having said this - i am still happy to see my married siblings, relatives and friends who are staying together. even if not happily all the time. i love listening to their stories about their marriage, about their kids, about their family. i admire them. for sticking together and weathering all the storms.
i still feel joy every time i hear that someone is getting married. the romantic in me loves attending weddings, seeing my sisters, cousins, nieces, friends looking ravishing in their pristine carolina herrera or michael cinco gowns as they nervously walk down the aisle to meet and be with their princes at the altar. for life.

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(the picture above of a ravishing bride in a whimsical michael cinco gown was taken from the internet. no copyright infringement intended.)