in my solitude (or the crowded room is empty)

song for the day:

all our unhappiness comes from our inability to be alone - jean dela bruyere, french writer, artist, moralist.

“a table just for one sir?” i always get this question in restaurants and bars here or abroad, in a tone suggesting that i am not welcome because i am by myself. 

the waiter would always give me that look, as if telling me that i am such a loser i could not even invite my mother for dinner or for a drink. 

of course he would prefer a bigger company because that would mean more sales, maybe a bigger tip. i understand that. 

but...........

&&&&&

why are people so uncomfortable in being alone and in seeing others alone too, not just in restaurants and bars but almost everywhere?

it always amuses me to hear some of my friends (these are the most independent people with strong personalities) telling me that they want to try this newly opened restaurant or they want to watch a movie but nobody is willing to go with them. so they never do. they never go. because they don't 
want to dine out or watch a movie alone.

i have nothing against people who can’t eat or watch a movie or do other stuffs alone. some people are just born that way, the way i am born this way.i will be too happy to go with them if they ask me to.

*******

but it seems those who prefer to do things by themselves are the minority (i wish i have a study or figures to back this up). that is why everywhere i go, waiters, bartenders always give me that puzzled look each time i tell them that yes, i am dining or drinking all by myself.

obviously, i love my solitude. ever since i was little, i have always preferred to do things by myself. read a book. draw pictures. watch teevee or movie. write a story. 

i can always amuse myself. so please pardon me if i will say it again, i love my solitude (but not my company!)

&&&&&&&

it doesn’t mean though that i am anti-social,  a borderline schizophrenic, or worse, that i am a misanthrope. i am not a character in a woody allen film, excuse me. 

it doesn't mean also that i can’t be with other people or that i can't work well with others. believe me, i love being in a group. 

like everyone else, i love drinking and dining with friends.

not surprisingly, i can be a team player and i enjoy doing group activities or projects. i know full well that when you do it together, nothing is impossible.

******

it’s not a problem. it has never been a problem. working with others. however, if given a choice, i would rather be by myself. solve my problems my own way. 

though at times, when things really get rough, a listening ear is most welcome.

of course, i long for the company of friends and family. but not all the time.

*******

maybe that’s the reason why i am not much into sports. because most sports require you to be with other people all the time. moreover, i am not competitive. in sports, the drive is always to win. sadly, i simply don’t have that motivation to beat others. i don’t get upset if i lose. nor do i get envious when someone wins, as long as he does not gloat over it. 

*******

i always have my own goals. as long as i reach them, i don’t care much if you become the ceo of the company or the president of the country and i remain a writer or a reporter forever.

there is comfort and joy in knowing what you can and cannot do. i realised that early enough and i am grateful for it.

rivalry turns me off. i hate it when people tell me that someone (my perceived rival. in what? i don't know.) is now this and that, as if they expect me to feel bad about it. or worse, to feel bad about myself.

sorry to disappoint you, but i don’t care. truth be told, i am always happy every time someone tells me that somebody got promoted or became richer.

this may sound like a ms. universe answer, but why cant we all be friends and work towards a common goal instead of trying to outdo each other?

*****

that is why i love writing (and blogging too).  i can do it pretty much by myself. or reading a book in an isolated beach or in a far away coffee shop. or praying inside an empty church with nobody but me and my misdeeds.

or sitting lone in a public place, observing other people. how they behave in public. how they deal with others.

&&&&

and walking. i love walking. be it in a mall, beach, park.

i love that feeling i get when my feet are touching the ground, the sand or the grass, with the wind or the sun on my face. then at the end of the day, i will be too tired to even get up to eat.

physical exhaustion, ironically, is what fuels me to go on and on like that bunny in a battery commercial years ago.

because it's the only way to forget that aside from my thoughts and my ghosts, there is no one else in the crowded, noisy room. at the blink of an eye, i see that the room is indeed empty.