love in the time of.......(or the glow of love)

(my mother with lisa. still beautiful even with a slightly deformed face.)

when it comes to love, i am as clueless as the next kindergarten kid. opps, sorry for the generalisation. maybe some kindergarten kids know more about love than i do. what can i say? this bitch has a cold, cold heart. blame it on the number of adonises who ruined my childhood illusion that someday, a prince from a far, far away kingdom, handsome in his princely outfit and riding an equally handsome white horse, will rescue me from my cruel fate, that of being a spinster. josh.
sadly, most of these princes turned into frogs after we kissed, not the other way around. ah i blame those fairy tales for ruining love for me. haha.

&&&&&&&

anyway, it's one in the morning, february fifteen. i just got home after a relaxing dinner with someone not too special. it was not even a date. yet.
unfortunately, that's all i can say about the whole brouhaha. my lips are  still sealed because i have yet to get the permission of the little boy bambi if i can already date. although bambi had indicated that i can go out on dates as long as: it's day time only, just for coffee and he is around. no kissing and holding  hands allowed. hmmm, bambi is even more strict than my former military officer of a dad. hahaha.

^^^^^^^^^^^

seriously, when i think about love, i always think about my parents. they had been married for more than sixty years (the old man passed away three years ago this month), but i could still feel the bond that kept them glued to each other for six decades. the kind of  love that made it possible for them to endure each other after all the hardships, joys, triumphs, trials and a dozen or so grandchildren.
until now, my mother talks about her husband as though he is still alive. i remember when i was with her for a few months at home (several months after the old man passed away), she would always make it a point to invite him to join us for breakfast, lunch, coffee and dinner. when we watched teevee, she would sometimes tell me that he was sitting right beside me.
at first it would scare the hell out of me. then later on, i thought she must be losing her mind because she missed him so much. then much later on, after a month or so, i realized that maybe, who knows, her husband's spirit was really around the house, watching over her because he knew that she would be living in the old, empty house alone.
then after a few more months, i also found myself asking the old man to join us for meals, or talking to him sometimes, especially when i had problems, something i never did when he was still alive. (he was cold and distant). for instance, if i could not open the door, i would ask him to please help me open it up. or when i can't sleep at night, i would ask him to please help me get some sleep. (funny thing was i would get scared if i felt something right next to me. hahaha.)
na-osmosis, as my bff fil would say.

@@@@@@@

some love story. anyway, it's still valentine's day. motels are still full the last time i checked, especially in the malate area. hahaha.
my mother married my father when she was in her late teens and was still in school. he was her first boyfriend. my aunt, her younger sister, caught them kissing one night and she told our grandparents. the next day, my angry grandfather had asked our father, then a new recruit in the military and was stationed at my mother's province in northern luzon, to marry her or else all hell will break loose. afraid.
of course, my father, who was head over heels in love with my pretty mother (long black, shiny hair like in a shampoo commercial; cappuccino skin; deep seat brown eyes; red, lush and kissable lips even without lipstick and a regal bearing that she got from her mother), agreed right away. my mother at that time was very popular at school and in their province and had countless suitors, so i was told.
as a result, she was not able to finish her studies and was forced to start a family at such a young age.

$$$$$$$$$

but it wasn't all romance and roses for my mother. she was young, she didn't know any household chore (at home, they had helps to do those tasks for them). she was immature. but then she was suddenly taken out from her comfort zone.
in her new home (a small rented room that she shared with her husband), she was always lonely and miserable, especially when her husband would complain about her cooking, about the dirty house, about his missing socks, about how she was not good at washing and ironing his military uniform. you see, my father was old school, grew up in a very conservative and strictly patriarchal family - the husband makes a living and the wife stays at home and do all the housework. he could bring all his friends at home for drinks and the wife has to cook, serve them with a smile and at the same time be beautiful, charming, smart and witty even if she is dead tired and totally bored.

$$$$$$$$$$

yet, love prevailed. mother stayed with him through thick and thin, despite her husband's ill temper, foul mouth especially when he was drunk, and fits of jealousy. (for god's sake, they lived inside the military compound, so naturally mother would be surrounded by all these handsome young men in uniform all the time.) but she endured all of that. even her new found poverty.
she was raised in an ultra religious and traditional way:  once you are married, you have to stay together, forever. not only for the sake of the children, but because a separation is against their religion.

%%%%%%

i always tell my friends that my parents were like tom and jerry: they would argue about almost everything. they could never agree on anything. and yet, every time they were away from each other, you could tell, even if they won't tell anyone, that they missed each other. they could not stand being separated from each other even for a day.
one time, when i already had my own flat, mother suddenly arrived from the province.  alone. minus the moody old man. a surprise because they always travel together. when i asked her why, she told me that she could no longer bear to live with her husband.
fine, i said, i have been telling you to separate from your husband since i learned how to read and write. this time, she assured me, she would do it.
you can live with me, i said, for as long as you want. i will even help you get a younger, more handsome boyfriend.

$$$$$$$$

on the first day, she was fine. we went shopping. i bought her new clothes, bags, shoes, make up, perfume. i brought her to the make up counter at the department store to have her face done.
but the next day, she was quiet. without telling me, i knew she was lonely. when i asked her why, she said she was worried about her orchids. about her grandchild who was living at home at that time. who would take care of them? who would cook for your niece?
i already knew she missed the old man. so the next day, i sent her home. no questions asked.
that was nearly twenty years ago.

%%%%%%%%

they had more quarrels, more walk outs, trial separations after that. with mother threatening to leave him for good. but it never happened.
until the old man met a fatal accident.

^^^^^^^^^^

when father died, mother was composed. i never saw her cry, except once during the mass before the burial. she was that brave. i thought she was fine. after all, she had always complained about his ill temper, his sudden fits of anger. his moodiness. now, she could live in peace.
but a few months after, she was in the hospital for an unknown disease.
i knew then that she missed the old man so much. that she was depressed, but was too proud to admit it. or maybe she didn't know it too.
i tried to ease her loneliness by staying with her at home, by resigning from my job. but i knew that was not enough. i knew that deep in her heart, she would rather be with him.

&&&&&&&

once, i asked her if she had any regrets about marrying young. about marrying him. didn't she wish she had waited and find a better man? nothing, she said, except not being able to finish her studies.
do you still love him? she just gave me a mysterious smile.

%%%%%%%

until now, i know that my mother, even in her solitude, is still basking in the glow of love.

$$$$$$$$$$

it's corny, but i will still say it: i know that the world is full of cruel, insensitive macho men. who are out to prove that they are the modern day valentino. but as ella fitzgerald once sang: some day he'll come along. and he'll be brave and strong. the man i love.
no chos this time.
vavush!

********

song for the day: