a heartbreak and then some

what's a reunion among the gay squad without talking about the boys (past or present)?
while sipping coffee at four in the morning at a posh coffee shop inside the venetian, the topic shifted towards luv from fashion, food, politics, pacquiao.
specifically, the one we can't forget. or as a puts it, the one who got away. blame it on the caffeine, or the time of the night (witching hour), or the fact that we haven't slept yet, but we all turned sentimental. all of a sudden. it's like a witch has cast a dark spell and we all turned gloomy.
a said she can't forget g. the one who offered his body to her, but she turned him down because she was in luv with him.
in a voice so soft, as if she was about to cry herself, q asked her why. without batting an eyelash, or brushing her long hair using her fingers, a answered:
"nirespeto ko sya eh," said a, tears nearly falling down from her cheek down to her expensive latte. "pag mahal mo, syempre busilak ang pakiramdam mo."
we were all quiet. we understood. we all have been there. loved without expecting anything in return.
"pero sayang," she added.
until now, she said, she could still picture them sleeping together in a small bed that's fit for one person only, her head lying on his tanned, toned arms. he was naked from the waist up. a bit drunk. a bit sentimental. it was his birthday, after all. he was drunk. she was not. she was intoxicated by his nearness. by his young flesh. by the smell of his fresh breath even if he had consumed bottles of beer.

#######

of course, i remember that night too well. as if it happened only last weekend, not a decade or two ago.
it was raining. it was cold. the wind was blowing wildly, like an angry bird lashing at its prey.
i was about to sleep when my pager rang. when i called up the number, the message handling specialist told me that a was in our favourite hang out and wanted to see me.
hurriedly, even if it was already past midnight, i went down from my 13th floor flat without bothering to change my outfit and told my driver to take me to pp, the hippest bar in malate at that time. (where varsity boys from la salle, ateneo, up, san beda, used to piss the night away.)
when i entered the bar, i saw a right away. her back was turned against the door. her gaze was fixed on the dreary scenery outside (flooded streets, rain soaked cars, pedicabs and creatures of the dark), quite visible through the glass door. she was smoking a cigarette. i could already tell from the way the smoke flowed out of her lips that something was wrong.
after saying my hello and ordering a bottle of beer, a told me that she has not seen or heard from g that day. they were suppose to meet on that day because it was g's birthday.
"do you know the number to his dormitory?" i asked a, while i was drinking san mig light. slowly. carefully like an innocent baby just learning how to suck milk.
i was on a diet at that time, trying to keep my thirty-inch figure or else madam stella a would  be mad as hell and dethrone me if i gain even a few pounds.
she nodded her head.
"then why don't you call him?"
suddenly, she smiled. as if the idea never occurred to her before. maybe she just needed a push.
we went outside and braved the rain. we didn't have umbrellas.
across the street was a public phone. cellphones were unheard of at that time.
when she put down the phone, she was smiling like crazy.
"what happened?" i asked, though i already knew the answer.
"he asked me to go to his dormitory. they were celebrating with his friends."
"go!" i said and hailed a cab.

^^^^^^^^^^^

what about you? q asked. who is your greatest luv?
my turn to be silent. should i answer the question or not?
can i dial a friend?
the fairies were patient. waiting for me to name the boy who once made even my gloomiest night the happiest day of my life.
"it's d."
"who's d?" a asked.
"there is only one d in my life," i said.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!

who is d indeed? they never met him. although i was with a and q the night we met. we were walking around malate, still undecided which bar to go, when i saw d and his friend. he was wearing a white shirt that could fit two skinny boys, a cap and loose faded jeans. the hip hop look. he looked unapproachable, the way a good looking man who is aware that he is gorgeous usually carries himself, especially in public. he has that confident gait.
they were walking at the other side of the street towards i don't know where. i excused myself from a and q and followed d and friend to a bar.
inside, it was dark, crowded, noisy and smokey. i usually avoid places like this, but i made an exception. i wanted to meet him. i sat beside their table. later on, after a few beers, i finally mustered the courage to introduce myself. to my surprise, he was nice. he asked me to join them. we talked, drank some more and danced the night away.

!!!!!!!!!!!

everything happened so fast.
the next thing i knew, d was leaving for another country to work.
we lost touch.
i let him go.
he was young, he should have his own adventure. he has his ambitions, his goals. i respected that.
so i left him alone.

!!!!!!!!!!!

"so wala na kayong communication?" a asked.
"minsan, ym. facebook. pero hanggang doon lang."
"vakeet?"
"dahil hindi nya ako kayang mahalin. ayoko na nang ganoong relasyon na ako lang ang may gusto. nakakasawa na. it's better to be alone, than to feel lonely with another person."
i know, i know, i just sounded like a dramah queen at four in the morning inside a macau casino.

*******
but what can i do? or rather, what can we do?
goddesses like us are not meant to be happy on earth. we simply could not live with mere mortals. we have to find our happiness somewhere....over the foggy sky.

((((((((

(more kissing and telling....)


(foto not mine. no copyright infringement intended)