how to turn off a potential mate in less than an hour

sure, you probably think you are the hottest dish to ever come out of god's by-appointment-only kitchen. maybe you are. your face looks like a movie star, with those flirty, chinito eyes that turn into slits when you are smiling, prominent, well-sculpted nose, thick black hair that still looks gorgeous even if they are untamed with gel and comb, lips that pout like a virgin whore. what else?

yes, those abs. your tall, slender body. the elegant walk. the tiny hairs that run from your nipples down to your pubes; then more on your longish legs. did i mention that your feet are size eleven?

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but you keep on wondering why after just a few minutes of conversing with a date who's a potential mate, things suddenly turn sour. his sweet smile suddenly turns into a series of uncontrollable yawns, the flirty eyes become droopy and about to fall asleep, the undivided attention suddenly becomes shifty, even staring at those red tiny tomatoes on the salad bowl as if he's trying to memorize their textures.

to avoid further embarrassment, you decided to call it a night. with a promise to call each other. but a month after the date, he didn't bother to even give you a naughty poke on facebook.

what happened, you ask, while staring and falling in love with your handsome image in the full-length mirrors that you installed in your tiny apartment.

what went wrong?

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even without asking, mahatma gandah offers her valuable insights.

first off, you probably keep on talking about your diet and fitness regimen even if he just complimented you on your sexy body as a way to break the ice. but you can't help yourself. you have to describe in details the vegetables and fruits that go into your salad that you consume five times a day, how you have to keep them refrigerated, the size of the serving, the number of cucumbers that go with every bit of tomatoes and mangoes and potatoes.

how you mentioned, at every opportunity, that you're a vegetarian even if your date has already ordered angus or wagyu steak for dinner. this, after consuming a hot plate of sizzling sisig as a starter. learn to take hints. being clueless is cute only if you are alicia silverstone, when she was in her early twentys and was one of hollywood's most promising actresses.

otherwise.......

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then there's the matter about  your taste in clothes. while you don't have to look very gq or details (if you don't know them, maybe you should google them and start reading them even online in case you can't afford their pricey monthly tag), you should at least avoid wearing those loose cargo shorts whose length are four to five inches beyond your knees. why don't you wear pants for  a change?

also, please stop wearing cargo shorts and pants. they're simply ugly!

it's also about time you get rid of those loose white shirts with large prints about how hot you are, or those bearing your fraternity's name in college. how about shifting to well-fitted dark shirts (not muscle shirts. those are no nos as well), or better yet long sleeve shirts, then leave one button open and please fold the sleeves up to your elbows or even below them. always tuck them inside your pants to emphasize your well-sculpted body as well, and the bulge in your jeans. it's also important to wear a respectable belt. not the black one that you used during rotc. yes, the one with the shiny buckle. hahaha.

please also discard those crocs. they're ugly. they're crass. wear comfortable trainers, instead. loafers. tennis shoes. running shoes. or even those doc martens. in brown. they're still sexy.

just throw away those crocs, please!

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then there's the thing about lighting a cigarette without asking first your date if it's ok to light one up. sure you are seated at the smoking section of the restaurant (which you choose, even without asking him first. maybe he's just too polite to have your table moved to the non-smoking section).

while cigarettes are sexy, especially when you are both naked in bed and just finished a round of steamy love making, it's still a no no especially when you are in a romantic dinner. nothing ruins a romantic mood than cigarette smokes blowing into your date's newly scrubbed face.

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of course you also keep on taking photos of your food. obsessively. you even stopped your date from touching his sisig because you haven't taken a photo of the dish yet. then right after you posted them on facebook or instagram, you keep on interrupting his eating by forcing him to look at the photos on social media, and telling him how many likes they have generated.

that's so childish, to say it gently. i have more harsher words in my arsenal, but i won't mention them lest you might commit suicide.

suffice it to say that taking photos of food, especially in a restaurant, is a big turn off. honestly, i have started avoiding having dinner or lunches with people who are obsessive food pornographers! sorry dahlins, now you know why i keep turning down your invitations. double chos!!

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more annoying than your habit of taking photos of your meals, there is also your itch to keep on staring, pushing, using, playing with your numerous mobile phones that are displayed on the table. i don't know if you know your etiquette, but please only food and drinks, plates, glasses, utensils, should be placed on the table. i will forgive your occasional hands and elbows, but not your gadgets. especially not your feet even if you are wearing the most expensive shoes in the entire universe. ewwwwwww!

so next time you are having a dinner, even with your friends only, please avoid using your phone. keep it inside your bag or pockets. use only when it's for a very important call or text message like when someone is dying in the hospital and he needs to confess something very important to you before he passes away. otherwise, please, respect your fellow diners and keep your phone out of sight.

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then there are the basics. please take a shower. use shampoo and soap. brush, scrub, brush. wear freshly laundered clothes. especially underwear. use deodorant. spray some perfume. use mouthwash after brushing your teeth and tongue for an hour.

choose your clothes well. brush your shoes. wear comfortable socks. comb your hair too. cut and clean your nails (you don't have to go to the salon for this).

research your date's likes and dislikes so you would know what to talk about other than your score on candy crush, or the latest installment of your favourite telserye. here's a suggestion, why don't you watch bbc, cnn, or national geographics for a change instead of kapamilya, kapuso or what have yous!

but don't overdo it please. sounding intelligent and smart is also a big turn-off. especially when your iq (intelligent quotient) is a negative five. or if you are like a certain former president who can't spell fuschia. know when to balance things out. know when to be smart, sexy, funny, ridiculous and yes, dumb. it's not as complicated as it sounds. it's actually simple.

when you talk, keep your voice down. stop sounding like a jeepney barker. the softer you speak, the sexier it all becomes because your date will have to lean closer to hear what you are saying. (just make sure your breath doesn't stink!)

most of all, don't forget to have fun. crack some jokes at the right moment.

lastly, don't be a cheapskate. pay the bill. if he insists of paying half of it, please don't compute by using a calculator and splitting it exactly into two down to the last centavo.

don't count coins on the table, while keeping the waiter waiting. while it's his job to wait (kaya nga waiter eh. chos!), please respect him.

the thing is, before you even finish counting the coins, your date has probably ran off as though he is being chased by a mad dog. never to be seen or heard again.

if you do all of these, i assure you, nobody can ever resist you.

heck, you might even be writing the rules of dating faster than i can say, chos!

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that's all fairies, bitches, witches, queens, princesses, goddesses and wannabes! have a lovely, lovely weekend. may god bless you with a beautiful, intimate saturday night date, so you would stop being grumpy and vibrate negativity all the time!